


Breakfast Fiasco

by MetamorphicRocky



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humor, Modern AU, Parental Roy Mustang, Swearing, it’s not that parental but shh I’m tagging it anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 23:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetamorphicRocky/pseuds/MetamorphicRocky
Summary: Roy loses a bet to Edward, and he has to take him out for breakfast as promised. It goes as well as expected.





	Breakfast Fiasco

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally the first time I have ever posted a fic. It’s just shameless fluff. Some good ol’ Ed and Roy, trying to not kill each other over breakfast. Enjoy!

Roy could tell from the pure look of _shock_ on the waitress’ face that his wallet would be crying by the time he left. 

“Honey, are you...sure? Do you have friends coming to meet you?” the poor woman asked, confused beyond belief. 

From across the booth, Edward, the little demon that he was, smiled politely at the waitress and shook his head. “Nope, that order was all for me. Also, could I get strawberries on top of the pancakes?”

The woman dully nodded in what could only be described as a deep-rooted confusion, one that could never possibly be forgotten. This lady would be haunted by this kid’s order for the rest of her life. 

“Is that it, sweetheart...?” With Ed’s quick nod, she handed him her notepad, “I don’t think I could read that whole thing to you, so could you check to make sure your order is right?”

Ed quickly scanned the neat scrawl, flipping through _three pages_ of the pad, and nodded his head. He passed the notepad over with a quick, “It’s perfect, thank you.”

The surprised waitress finally turned her attention away from Ed, focusing on Roy. She tried to remove the shell-shocked expression from her face, but it was in vain.

“And what would you like, sir?”

Roy tried to ignore the tremble to her voice and act as normal as physically possible. “I’ll have your spinach and mushroom omelette with rye toast, please.”

He watched as the woman wilted in sheer relief at his simple order. Immediately, she rushed off to go put in the several orders. God, that poor chef was going to have a stroke. And so was Roy.

“Will you actually be able to eat all of that, Ed?” Roy asked with a raised eyebrow. 

The runt just leaned back in his seat, and _smirked_. It was the smirk of a victor, one who knew exactly what he was doing. It was a dark look that oozed completely smug confidence. 

It was downright evil. 

Ed chuckled darkly. “You should worry more about whether you can pay for all of this, bastard. It sure will hurt your bank account.”

Roy groaned and nursed his cup of coffee, purposefully ignoring Ed’s snickers. Oh, how he wanted to strangle that kid.

“This is your own fault, so you can’t complain,” Ed singsonged with his stupid, _annoying, grating, little voice_.

“If anyone is to blame for your blackhole of a stomach, it’s you.”

“Who lost the bet again, Roy? I-I can’t seem to remember, would you like to remind me?” Ed played off innocently. “Oh, wait! It was _you_.”

Roy could feel his patience disappear into his growing headache. “You cheated.”

The kid glared furiously at him, pushing a metal finger none too lightly into Roy’s chest. “Cheated?! Yeah right, asshole! You’re just a sore loser!”

“Havoc and Breda were mouthing answers to you!”

“Do you really think those two know more about chemistry than I do? And that I would actually _cheat_ when my science abilities are being tested?” Ed actually looked a little hurt by that; the anger in his eyes was genuine and not the kind he usually garnered when Roy teased him.

Roy sighed, “Sorry, though you can’t blame me for wondering how you knew off of the top of your head that the human body has enough carbon to make the graphite of _nine thousand_ pencils.”

Ed lost the angered look and shrugged, so the apology was accepted. “Actually, I only learned that two days before we made that bet.”

“Well, aren’t you lucky.”

Ed nodded, and his grin came back full force. “Yep, I sure am. And now, you have the luxury of treating me to breakfast.”

“I never said that you could order the whole menu!”

Ed, with the maturity of a four year old, stuck out his tongue as he threw a packet of jelly at Roy’s face. Roy’s face stayed stoic and disapproving as Ed poorly hid his laughter behind his hand. He knew that Ed could sense his irritation, but the kid didn’t care.

At least there was practically no one else in the diner this morning. Ed’s feast would only grab the attention of a few old people and one family; he could deal with this minimal amount of shame.

Apparently, Roy’s deadpan expression was entertaining enough that Edward wanted pictures. The pipsqueak sneaked over to his side of the booth, whipped his phone from the pocket of his hoodie, and took a series of selfies. Roy ruined Ed’s little photoshoot by pulling the kid’s hood over his face and locking him in a headlock.

Ed squawked in protest as Roy held him there for a few moments until Ed licked the man’s arm, making Roy let go.

“Ed, that is disgusting!” Roy wiped the saliva away with a napkin as Ed glared at him, moving his hood back down and trying to fix his now staticky bangs. 

“You deserved it, jerk,” Ed mumbled. When his unruly bangs were apparently deemed “neat” enough, Ed scrolled through the succession of images in his phone. “Hey, you ruined my attempts to mock you!”

Roy peered over Ed’s shoulder to look at them from start to finish, and there was no possible way he could have prevented himself from laughing at the look on Ed’s face when Roy had messed with him. The entire set was priceless, albeit a little blurry. Ed hit Roy’s arm as he laughed, muttering about how he was a rude jerk. Roy rolled his eyes at Ed’s mini-rant, the kid never changed. 

“Send those to me, I think I’ll make the funniest one my new background,” Roy said, smirking the whole time.

Ed’s expression screamed _fuck you, Roy_ as he sent each and every photo to the so-called asshat next to him. Roy quickly changed his background as Ed went back to his side of the booth, sulking the whole way. 

Edward looked up at Roy, probably intending to insult him again, but stopped. An awed grin spread across his face as he focused on something behind the man, and Roy only felt dread in those few seconds.

Oh no....

“Oh, hell yeah!”

Roy buried his face in hands, listening to the gasps of every single occupant of the diner. He _couldn’t_ look up, he didn’t want to even _glance_ at what he knew was inevitable. 

Ed was laughing across from him as more than one waitress set down each and every plate. God, Roy could only imagine the table. He bet that he wouldn’t even be able to get a glimpse of the actual table since it was covered in food.

“Roy, you gotta look! This is all coming out of your paycheck!” Well, at least Ed was enjoying himself, as well as Roy’s suffering. 

There was no preparation for this. Roy would never be ready. _Never_. Was this punishment for being a horrible person? This had to be a punishment, that was the only explanation. Okay, he could...survive this. It was like ripping off a bandaid–do it quick, and then it would be over. No more stalling.

Roy took a deep breath, counted to three, and—!

“ _Edward_! You can’t actually eat all of _that_! Oh my god, you’re insane!” 

Edward was laughing his ass off as he recorded Roy’s purely traumatized expression. He listened as the kid ordered all of this, but what the actual hell! 

Banana split pancakes, straight out of a child’s best dreams. There was barely any visible pancake underneath the ice cream, fruit, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and even sprinkles! It looked exactly like diabetes on a plate, and it gave Roy the shivers. Two Belgian waffles, topped in fruit. A plate of eggs, toast, and hash browns. A ham and cheese omelette with home fries. Damn, the kid even got a few giant pieces of French toast. A bagel, for some reason. A side of sausage and a side of bacon. A hellish feast, and Roy could only stare in muted shock.

Roy raked a hand through his hair, sighing forlornly at the sight before him. The three waitresses were staring at it all before them in amazement and absurdity; one of them was even asking if she could get a picture of Ed with all of his food. The other people in the diner had come over to see the commotion up close, and no one was without questions. 

The family had snuck into the booth behind Roy to look at everything better, and the mom asked, “Oh goodness, is that really all for him?”

Roy turned around and nodded.

The father whistled lowly, obviously impressed. “Wow, how can a little guy like him stomach all that?”

Roy’s head spun around to take relieved notice of the fact that Ed hadn’t heard the man call him little. He did _not_ want to deal with the aftermath of Ed’s rage. 

Roy just shook his head with an amused chuckle. “You’d be surprised, he has a blackhole for a stomach. It’s both astounding and expensive.”

After a few minutes of everyone ogling over Ed’s appetite, the crowd dispersed to give the two some space. Edward was still grinning like an idiot over his prize, and Roy watched him try to figure out what to eat first in amusement. 

“Ed, hurry up before it all gets cold and goes to waste.”

Roy ate his omelette as Ed scarfed down everything in sight, switching between what he was eating every few bites. The kid kept on mumbling with his mouth full of food about how good everything was, both entertaining Roy and making him scold Ed for not having manners. 

Damn was this kid a handful. 

Roy almost had a fork flung at him when he swiped some of Ed’s ice cream, claiming that he was only saving it from meeting the tragic fate of melting; Ed thought he was “full of shit” and claimed that now Roy had to buy him more food. 

“I’ll only ever buy you more food as a celebratory gift if you grow taller. So that means, I will never buy you food again.” Roy smirked at Ed’s fury until _another_ jelly packet hit him in the face. 

Roy was a mature adult, so he didn’t throw it back at Ed. (He _definitely_ wanted to, though.)

They spent their very long time in the diner alternating from eating to arguing until finally, Ed finished his last plate.

Edward had managed to eat _all of it_. 

Roy paid the incredibly high bill at the cash register as Ed recovered from his food coma in the booth for a few minutes. The cashier was amused and frightened at how a boy so small had eaten so much, and Roy could only shrug as an answer. With a promise to come back (the cashier said that Ed was the best customer), he walked over to Ed and tapped his leg to get his attention.

“Come on, Ed. Time to go.”

“Yeah, yeah. Gimme a second...,” Ed mumbled.

The kid was clearly happy, but that much food had to have made him exhausted. Roy heaved the kid up into a sitting position and sat next to him as Ed regained his bearings.

“Are you even alive right now, Ed?”

Ed nodded as he took a sip of water.

“So, you liked the food?”

“It was so good! But now I’m so tired....” Ed groaned dramatically and Roy rolled his eyes fondly at the theatrics.

Roy took his phone and shook it in front of Ed for a second. “Too tired for one more before we hit the road?”

Ed perked up enough to get in line of the camera as Roy wrapped an arm around Ed’s shoulders, keeping the kid in place. Roy smirked as Ed smiled tiredly at the camera, giving a floppy thumbs up. 

“Roy, we should do this again next week. I can order the other half of the menu.”

“Never in a million years, pipsqueak.”

When Ed threw the jelly packet at Roy’s face this time, Roy threw it back with no hesitation.


End file.
